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Eight years ago at the Hill Cumorah Pageant, there was a boy I thought was handsome. The whole time I tried to find opportunities to talk to him and be around him, even though we weren’t in the same young adult group. I remember being disappointed as I realized he wasn’t as interested in me as I was in him. We were in the same campground, so I came to know his family a little better and see the way his parents governed their family. While I was sad that this young man didn’t share my growing affection, I realized that I would never want to marry into his family… His mom seemed to yell a lot and be very controlling of the time of the children; they had a lot more restrictions that me and my siblings.
Fast forward to three years, and I’m marrying this young man that I met at the Hill Cumorah Pageant. While my husband and I are good at hashing out how we want our family to be, it seems like the most contention arises when it comes to family events with either of our parents. I’ve come to see and understand my mother-in-law a lot better over my four years of marriage, but I know I still have a lot longer to go.
I realize that some things have happened in the past that hold me back, and made me feel inferior in one way or another. James M. Harper & Susanne F. Olsen wrote something that caught my attention in a chapter about creating strong ties in the in-laws and extended family. They say forgiveness is necessary:
“Forgiveness means you let go of consuming feelings of animosity, bitterness, and hatred. Improved relationships will require time, effort, patience, and a willingness to communicate about issues and past offenses with love and concern.”
I’ve made the mistake of letting these moments go by quietly, not communicating with my mother-in-law, often because I feel like she should know that what she said was unkind or actions were not thoughtful. This attitude has been and is unrealistic of me.
I’m not sure how I’ll face those problems now, but now I know in the future how important it is to communicate with my mother-in-law myself, not expecting her or my husband to fix the problem. I know that with the Lord, everything is possible and has forgiven us of our debts and only asks that we do the same, “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” (Matt 6:12) I know that as I forgive my mother-in-law, come to love and continue to try and understand her, that not only will it affect my family – but my own happiness.
I have seen a wide array of family structures, and I always wondered which was better: when the parent and child had a friendship sort of relationship, or when the parent and child relationship was more aloof. I’ve come to realize after reading “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families,” by Richard B. Miller, Ph.D. Director of the School of Family Life, that neither of these ‘sides’ was correct. I’ve come to see the importance of these points that Miller makes:
- Parents are the leaders in the family.
- Parents must be united in their leadership.
- The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.
- The marital relationship should be a partnership.
- Husbands and wives are equal.
- Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.
- A husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.
- Husbands and wives work together as partners.
I think I had to reread the first sentence of his first point, making it clear that it’s important that there needs to be a hierarchy between the parents and children. This idea surprised me – but it made more sense as I read on about the importance of parents parenting their children. Loving a child means you care for them and what happens to them, and by not setting boundaries, the parent allows consequences to occur that the child is not ready to face. I like this quote by Spencer W. Kimball that Miller uses:
“Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him (Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK pp. 340, 341).”
This is what it means by hierarchy, not necessarily a monarchy. You can befriend your children, it’s essential to know that you care, but some days they won’t understand why parents seemingly ‘limit’ them when they are protecting them and preparing them to govern themselves. In these efforts, the parents need to be a united front, both in raising their children and in sharing responsibilities.
In my marriage, I hope to instill these thoughts with the use of family and couple councils. It will be essential to talk altogether as a family, but then final decisions to be made between us as a couple in our private counsel. How will you share your power in your marital relationship?
As a teenager, my parents were strict when it came to dating one person exclusively. They wanted my siblings and me to date in groups and wait either until college or after we served a mission to do one on one dating. It’s hard to understand as a teenager the complicated feelings that come from spending a lot of time with just one other person, but as I got older, I saw mistakes usually happened with those teens that were dating exclusively.
The more time you spend with someone, the more emotionally involved you get with that person. They’re good feelings, deep feelings that urge you to help or care for that person. What usually comes unexpectedly is the physical urge to match that emotional bond physically.
As this is something to be wary of with dating teenagers, it is also something real in marriage. When a married couple strengthens their emotional bond, it will reflect in their physical relationship.
There’s also the danger of creating emotional bonds with the opposite gender within marriage. What may seem like a harmless friendship with a coworker or neighbor can escalate into something more. The key to avoiding this is to prevent such deep emotional bonds and save time and energy for your spouse.
In his book about bringing heaven into marriage, H. Wallace Goddard says:
“As my wise colleague James Marshall observes, “The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water.” If we tend our little patch, even with all its weeds and rocks, we will find a joy that passes understanding. If we sit on the fence and dream, we will lose even our allotted garden spot. And the devil knows that.”
We must water and nourish our marriages and keep our sacred allotted garden spot. What may be the weeds and rocks (annoyances and weaknesses), any garden takes energy to grow. I’ve watched my dad with his gardens every year, spending the time planting plants and seeds, watering and caring for the garden. The fruit of his labors are not immediate, and I often wonder why he bothers, I surely did not inherit his green thumb. Then the tomatoes turn red, and the raspberries ripen, and I can see the actual fruit of his labors. It may take time, but the fruit of marriage comes.
Works Cited:
“Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard
an example on my mission
Serving an 18-month mission for my church changed my life. During these 18 months, I spent traveling to different areas in Brazil to teach about God’s love with the companionship with at least one other missionary. I spent the first part of my mission in Michigan while I waited for my Brazilian passport to come through. While in Michigan, since I was to leave at any moment, I was put into trio companionships, or served with two other missionaries, instead of one.
I remember one in particular - I was new and had been taught if we were obedient to the rules on the mission, that we would be blessed. One of these two missionaries companions, in particular, had a different way of interpreting what was exact obedience, so on more than one occasion, we clashed.
I wish I knew then what I know now. I remember by the end of our time together I was hoping to stay in the trio – but my passport came in. I did learn to love this companion, despite our differences, but it had taken grueling hours of shouting and heated discussions. I wonder if I had focused more on love, than obeying the letter of the law, if we wouldn’t have complied quicker.
the key to change
Just like the relationship between my missionary companion and I, in marriage, you will inevitably find one thing or another that both parts don’t agree on. My husband and I have come across these, and I have discovered through my mission and marriage that criticism doesn’t change people, but love does.
Goddard quotes President Joseph F. Smith in his book about bringing heaven into marriage:
“We all have our weaknesses and failings. Sometimes the husband sees a failing in his wife, and he upbraids her with it. Sometimes the wife feels that her husband has not done just the right thing, and she upbraids him. What good does it do? Is not forgiveness better? Is not charity better? Is not love better? Isn’t it better not to speak of faults, not to magnify weaknesses by iterating and reiterating them?Isn’t that better? And will not the union that has been cemented between you and the birth of children and by the bond of the new and everlasting covenant, be more secure when you forget to mention weaknesses and faults one of another? Is it not better to drop them and say nothing about them-bury them and speak only of the good that you know and feel, one for another, and thus bury each other’s faults and not magnify them; isn’t that better?”
How often do you bristle or resent sharp words from another? How likely are you to change the item that was criticized? Never, at least, hardly ever, from my experience anyways. Going off my last post about the higher law and sacrifice – love, or charity, is necessary.
turn the key to open doors
Charity is the type of endless love that Christ has for us. No matter our shortcomings, no matter how we sin, no matter where we are in our journey – Christ loves us. He has commanded us to love others, as he has loved us.
How do we know if we have charity? Goddard says:
“Just as our feelings about God are a good measure of our faith, so our feelings about our companions are a reliable gauge to our personal goodness.”
How we feel about our spouse when he or she does something will alert us to know how much charity we have and in which areas we need improvement.
I love this compelling question in the Book of Mormon:
“And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?” (Alma 5:14)
If we love like Christ, we will have his image in our countenances and not only will we experience a change in our hearts – but others around us will be touched. Our spouses especially will see it.
It’s not easy to feel love for someone when they leave the toilet seat up for the hundredth time or when they say something that hurts, but it is possible. It’s possible to create a mighty change in marriage – and it starts with unconditional love.
Works Cited:
“Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard
bringing a higher law into marriage
I walked upstairs with my 15-month-old to put her down for bed to find my husband playing video games. I felt myself cringe inwardly. I had to stop myself and question the feeling and repent quickly of the judgment I had hurriedly put on my husband at that moment. This week I’ve been learning about what sacrifices make marriages thrive, and as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we know that the Law of Consecration is a law that brings marriage to a higher level – a level closer to God.
The law of consecration is not just a law of sacrifice. Dictionary.com has these definitions for “consecrate”:
• “to make or declare sacred; set apart or dedicate to the service of a deity”
• “to make (something) an object of honor or veneration; hallow”
• “to devote or dedicate to some purpose”
Also, the Guide to the scriptures says this about the Law of Consecration:
“To dedicate, to make holy, or to become righteous. The law of consecration is a divine principle whereby men and women voluntarily dedicate their time, talents, and material wealth to the establishment and building up of God’s kingdom.”
The Law of Consecration is to dedicate ourselves to God’s purpose, and I think the key word here is ‘voluntarily.’ It’s when we actively choose God’s way always and in every aspect when end up consecrating our lives – and this includes marriage. When we admit that we have total control over our actions, including anger, then we start to recognize how to consecrate everything to the Lord.
what does it look like in marriage?
In his book about drawing heaven into marriage, Goddard says:
“Most of our sacrifices take a startlingly pedestrian form. I have never yet been called on to stand in traffic at risk of life and limb in order to protect Nancy. But I have been called on to make a thousand sacrifices that felt earth-shaking.”
He continues with his experience of how his wife gets toothpaste out of the bottle. For me, video games come to mind. My husband had been studying all day, he has his colossal Step 2 medical test to becoming a doctor in a couple of days, and he even helped out with my 15-month-old earlier today when I had an emotional breakdown. I may not love video games, but I love my husband, and it’s my change in attitude (not just letting him play) that is one of those little sacrifices that bring our marriage one step higher.
but, but, but –
There be no ‘buts’ about it. The world tells us it’s okay to focus on ourselves and make sure we get the care we need, but Goddard speaks to truth in this quote:
“No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs. In mortality, we will live with disappointment. We can dwell on our discontent or we can celebrate the points of connection.”
God doesn’t want us to be just happy; he wants us to have a fullness of joy! This means making decisions that will disappoint the mortal body. The purpose of marriage and life is not just to make it to heaven, but also to become heavenly.
Worked Cited:
Dictionary.com
“Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard
Recently my husband found a caterpillar and said that he had never got to see a caterpillar metamorphose into its result. We were pretty sure it’d turn into a moth, but still, he found a container and put some fresh leaves and a stick inside, and we closed it with plastic wrap with small holes in the top. What left to do? Watch and wait.
I discovered the next morning a larger hole in the top and asked my husband about it. He said that he had poked it to give the critter some moisture. I was pretty sure the hole was too big, and sure enough, the critter went missing overnight.
How often in marriage to we think of our spouse as a caterpillar; that if we make all of the conditions right, they will change where and how we want?
my beginning of change
My husband and I fought very little in the first years of marriage. We still don’t ‘fight’ in raised voices, but we can have heated discussions. I came to realize over our four years of marriage that even as a wife, I have no control over who my husband is or becomes. I can ask him to do things, but it doesn’t mean it will change him. When I realized this, I tried to stop worrying about the things I couldn’t control and focus on the things I could. There were a couple of things that I worried about in his behalf and had talked to God about it.
Just the other night, I was cuddling and talking with my husband, and he voiced some desires and dreams to become better. I won’t disclose the personal feelings, but at that moment, I knew God had heard my prayers and hopes – I had done nothing, but I knew God was working with him. This moment was pivotal for me, not because my husband wanted to change, but because I realized that only God changes people, including myself.
who weaves our cocoon?
I learned what Goddard says,
“In order to be saved, we must stop trying to save ourselves by our own power. We must turn ourselves over to Christ completely.”
We also must stop trying to save others. In Mark 12, when the scribes asked Christ what the greatest commandment was, he said that the first was to love God with all our heart. The second was like unto it, “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:29-30) Christ will do the saving, and we are charged to love one another, even as we want to be treated.
the butterfly truth
When my husband caught the caterpillar, I tried looking up what the end change would be. I was pretty confident we had found a sort of moth, so perhaps I hadn’t been as invested in the caterpillar’s transformation like if I had thought it would be something like a monarch butterfly. How do we assume our spouses will change? What do we believe about them, but don’t actually know?
Goddard says, “We must invite truth, the heavenly perspective,” into our marriages.
It’s important always to think there is more to learn and that we don’t know everything about someone, because people change. I might “know” one day that my husband likes Thai food, but perhaps the next day he’s feeling like something else or maybe his preferences have changed. Our perspective of truth is limited, but through humble conversations with our spouses and God, we can truly come to know our spouses and ourselves.
When we invite Christ into our relationship and gain that heavenly perspective – change will happen in others, but more importantly, in our marriage.
Works Cited:
"Drawing Heaven into your Marriage," W. Wallace Goddard
Have you ever felt a time where Christ was knocking at your door? I believe that Christ makes bids for our attention, just as Gottman says in his book that spouses frequently do with each other. These efforts often go missed by one or both parties, and whether it's Christ or our spouse, it's a real and daily part of out every day lives.
It may be a complicated matter to know how involved God is in our lives, but I do believe that knowing that God is involved is essential for marriage. It means having faith that there is a purpose to everything in life, or having vision.
vision: “the ability to think about or plan the future with imagination or wisdom”
“Where there is no vision, the people perish…” Proverbs 29:18
I love learning from the moments that I have with my daughter. I had an experience that opened my insight to having vision, or the ability to see past what is happening currently. My little girl was in my arm (because that’s where every 15 month old wants to be while mommy is preparing food) and I got out her favorite bread and food (cheese). She saw them and immediately wanted them, she even asked nicely in sign language with ‘please,’ but I was going to make cheese toast – so I took the pieces, put them together, and finally into the toaster oven. She let out a shrill scream of protest when I closed the toaster door.
I knew that she preferred the bread warmed and that she would prefer having the cheese and bread together – but in her young mind couldn’t get past that I hadn’t given her what she had wanted right then. How often do we come across trials and have an idea of what you want to happen, and then the opposite, or something unexpected happen?
let’s wait for our cheese toast
Just like my 15 month old’s impatience, our trials also feel like eternity while we are here on earth. Similarly, in the story in Mark about the man asking Christ to heal his boy from the demon that possessed him. Goddard says:
“The man posed the question whether Jesus could do anything: “If thou canst do anything .... “Jesus reversed the challenge: “If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth” (Mark 9:23). The question is not whether Jesus is able to heal. The question is whether we will believe in Him.” (Goddard, pg.56)
Part of having that vision of the end cheese toast isn’t just asking for cheese toast, but being able to believe in the process, believe in Christ’s power, and have an eternal perspective.
Now, as an adult, I understand the process of cheese toast, but during the day-to-day grind of life, things happen where I get lost in the little negative things that happen. If it’s something my husband and I are miscommunicating and I don’t know how to fix it – what kind of cheese toast, or result, can come from these seemingly pointless trials?
choose to look up
First, we need to realize that Satan wants to distract us, lead us down rabbit holes. Have you ever started to talk about one thing, then something mentioned bothers you, or the way something was said – and the conversation goes in a whole other direction? When Satan succeeds in distracting us, we end up missing out on blessings.
“Satan’s best hope is to keep us from looking up. He must keep us fully absorbed with the trivial, fretting over our inconveniences and stewing over our grievances.” (Goddard, pg.59)
Instead, we can choose to look up and recognize these moments as opportunities to grow and learn. We can choose to see these moments as purposeful for our eternal goal to be like Christ. I think these are times that Christ is knocking at our door, hoping we’ll answer instead of turning him away.
open the door to your spouse
Sometimes it will be your spouse or family member knocking at your door. In his book, Gottman says that family members may mask their bids in what we interpret as malice or the efforts are so subtle that we miss them. He stresses the importance to listen to the harsh words and look for the bid for attention within the anger and then respond to that, instead of the frustration. He also says how important it is to be present and aware. If we are distracted by our technology or so involved in our endeavors, we may miss a bid for attention, then missing out on those blessings.
No one is perfect, but we can work on our faith in Christ and our eternal perspective (or vision) when trials strike! Remember, there’s cheese toast waiting for you on the other end, or eternal blessings that we can’t fathom in our current state. Trust God by building faith in Christ, open those doors to love!
Sources Cited:
“Drawing Heaven into your Marriage” H. Wallace Goddard
“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” John M. Gottman
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