marital power in family life (L12)

I have seen a wide array of family structures, and I always wondered which was better: when the parent and child had a friendship sort of relationship, or when the parent and child relationship was more aloof. I’ve come to realize after reading “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families,” by Richard B. Miller, Ph.D. Director of the School of Family Life, that neither of these ‘sides’ was correct. I’ve come to see the importance of these points that Miller makes:

• Parents are the leaders in the family.
• Parents must be united in their leadership.
• The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.
• The marital relationship should be a partnership.
• Husbands and wives are equal.
• Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.
• A husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.
• Husbands and wives work together as partners.

I think I had to reread the first sentence of his first point, making it clear that it’s important that there needs to be a hierarchy between the parents and children. This idea surprised me – but it made more sense as I read on about the importance of parents parenting their children. Loving a child means you care for them and what happens to them, and by not setting boundaries, the parent allows consequences to occur that the child is not ready to face. I like this quote by Spencer W. Kimball that Miller uses:

“Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him (Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK pp. 340, 341).”

This is what it means by hierarchy, not necessarily a monarchy. You can befriend your children, it’s essential to know that you care, but some days they won’t understand why parents seemingly ‘limit’ them when they are protecting them and preparing them to govern themselves. In these efforts, the parents need to be a united front, both in raising their children and in sharing responsibilities. 

In my marriage, I hope to instill these thoughts with the use of family and couple councils. It will be essential to talk altogether as a family, but then final decisions to be made between us as a couple in our private counsel. How will you share your power in your marital relationship?