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Eight years ago at the Hill Cumorah Pageant, there was a boy I thought was handsome. The whole time I tried to find opportunities to talk to him and be around him, even though we weren’t in the same young adult group. I remember being disappointed as I realized he wasn’t as interested in me as I was in him. We were in the same campground, so I came to know his family a little better and see the way his parents governed their family. While I was sad that this young man didn’t share my growing affection, I realized that I would never want to marry into his family… His mom seemed to yell a lot and be very controlling of the time of the children; they had a lot more restrictions that me and my siblings.
Fast forward to three years, and I’m marrying this young man that I met at the Hill Cumorah Pageant. While my husband and I are good at hashing out how we want our family to be, it seems like the most contention arises when it comes to family events with either of our parents. I’ve come to see and understand my mother-in-law a lot better over my four years of marriage, but I know I still have a lot longer to go.
I realize that some things have happened in the past that hold me back, and made me feel inferior in one way or another. James M. Harper & Susanne F. Olsen wrote something that caught my attention in a chapter about creating strong ties in the in-laws and extended family. They say forgiveness is necessary:
“Forgiveness means you let go of consuming feelings of animosity, bitterness, and hatred. Improved relationships will require time, effort, patience, and a willingness to communicate about issues and past offenses with love and concern.”
I’ve made the mistake of letting these moments go by quietly, not communicating with my mother-in-law, often because I feel like she should know that what she said was unkind or actions were not thoughtful. This attitude has been and is unrealistic of me.
I’m not sure how I’ll face those problems now, but now I know in the future how important it is to communicate with my mother-in-law myself, not expecting her or my husband to fix the problem. I know that with the Lord, everything is possible and has forgiven us of our debts and only asks that we do the same, “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” (Matt 6:12) I know that as I forgive my mother-in-law, come to love and continue to try and understand her, that not only will it affect my family – but my own happiness.
I have seen a wide array of family structures, and I always wondered which was better: when the parent and child had a friendship sort of relationship, or when the parent and child relationship was more aloof. I’ve come to realize after reading “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families,” by Richard B. Miller, Ph.D. Director of the School of Family Life, that neither of these ‘sides’ was correct. I’ve come to see the importance of these points that Miller makes:
- Parents are the leaders in the family.
- Parents must be united in their leadership.
- The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.
- The marital relationship should be a partnership.
- Husbands and wives are equal.
- Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.
- A husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.
- Husbands and wives work together as partners.
I think I had to reread the first sentence of his first point, making it clear that it’s important that there needs to be a hierarchy between the parents and children. This idea surprised me – but it made more sense as I read on about the importance of parents parenting their children. Loving a child means you care for them and what happens to them, and by not setting boundaries, the parent allows consequences to occur that the child is not ready to face. I like this quote by Spencer W. Kimball that Miller uses:
“Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him. If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him (Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK pp. 340, 341).”
This is what it means by hierarchy, not necessarily a monarchy. You can befriend your children, it’s essential to know that you care, but some days they won’t understand why parents seemingly ‘limit’ them when they are protecting them and preparing them to govern themselves. In these efforts, the parents need to be a united front, both in raising their children and in sharing responsibilities.
In my marriage, I hope to instill these thoughts with the use of family and couple councils. It will be essential to talk altogether as a family, but then final decisions to be made between us as a couple in our private counsel. How will you share your power in your marital relationship?
As a teenager, my parents were strict when it came to dating one person exclusively. They wanted my siblings and me to date in groups and wait either until college or after we served a mission to do one on one dating. It’s hard to understand as a teenager the complicated feelings that come from spending a lot of time with just one other person, but as I got older, I saw mistakes usually happened with those teens that were dating exclusively.
The more time you spend with someone, the more emotionally involved you get with that person. They’re good feelings, deep feelings that urge you to help or care for that person. What usually comes unexpectedly is the physical urge to match that emotional bond physically.
As this is something to be wary of with dating teenagers, it is also something real in marriage. When a married couple strengthens their emotional bond, it will reflect in their physical relationship.
There’s also the danger of creating emotional bonds with the opposite gender within marriage. What may seem like a harmless friendship with a coworker or neighbor can escalate into something more. The key to avoiding this is to prevent such deep emotional bonds and save time and energy for your spouse.
In his book about bringing heaven into marriage, H. Wallace Goddard says:
“As my wise colleague James Marshall observes, “The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water.” If we tend our little patch, even with all its weeds and rocks, we will find a joy that passes understanding. If we sit on the fence and dream, we will lose even our allotted garden spot. And the devil knows that.”
We must water and nourish our marriages and keep our sacred allotted garden spot. What may be the weeds and rocks (annoyances and weaknesses), any garden takes energy to grow. I’ve watched my dad with his gardens every year, spending the time planting plants and seeds, watering and caring for the garden. The fruit of his labors are not immediate, and I often wonder why he bothers, I surely did not inherit his green thumb. Then the tomatoes turn red, and the raspberries ripen, and I can see the actual fruit of his labors. It may take time, but the fruit of marriage comes.
Works Cited:
“Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage,” H. Wallace Goddard
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