the soul of marriage (L05)

Last week I explored the difference between contract and covenant marriages. This week I want to start with my conclusion: of putting the soul back into the covenant between man, woman, and God. It’s one thing to say God is part of our marriage, but another to live it.

In my post last week, I shared that I believe that the soul of a person is the body and spirit of said person. If marriage was to have a soul, I think the spirit would be our thoughts, beliefs, and feelings about the Godly union. The body of the marriage would then be the bodies of both the man and woman and how they work with God. What do they do or say? How do they act?

who attacks the soul

When I was in middle school, someone gave my mother the bright idea that every time we fought, we should write this scripture. The more times we fought, the more times we had to write it. The first time we fought, we only copied it down once, then the second time we would write it twice, and so on until one of my brothers got to the 100s. I’m not proud to say that I had it memorized at one point.

3 Nephi 11:29-30 For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.

I would say that the home is the temple of marriage, and I think my parents were striving for a place where the Spirit of God could reside (like in a temple). As the scripture says above, ‘contention’ is not of God – and when we allow contention into our homes, we welcome the wrong party into our marriage.

recognizing the enemy

In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John M. Gottman says that just because couples fight, doesn’t mean they are headed for divorce. He teaches the difference between couples who have a foundation of friendship and ones that do not. Disagreements will happen. I believe that if we know how the enemy, or Satan, tries to take apart marriage, and then it will be easier to recognize and stop his efforts.

Gottman gives 6 signs so that we can recognize when disagreements have gone too far. I think these 6 signs can also be used to see which spirit we are letting into our home.

1. Harsh Start-Up [When a fight starts harshly and abruptly with negativity] 

2. The Four Horsemen    [I imagine these as headless horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Each goads the other on, and Gottman says they run in a relay race, passing the baton back and forth to each other.] 

3. Flooding [When one side floods the other with negativity or talking that the other isn't prepared for.  

4. Body language [What are you really saying?]

5. Failed Repair Attempts [Whether they be red roses or trying to tease during a disagreement: without a basis of friendship and love repair attempts end up fruitless.] 

6. Bad Memories [This is when memories are twisted and rewritten with a negative spin, forgetting the warm and happy parts of their stories.]

I suggest reading the book if you want to understand these signs. However, it can be discouraging if you stop learning at those signs because the point is to recognize them and then to change. Putting the soul into marriage is changing how we think and act about marriage, continually changing for the better and simply being a friend.

heart of the soul

I’m excited to read the rest of the book, and I hope you’ll join me! I love this simple truth: “At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” My guess is that the seven principles will be aspects of the body and spirit of marriage. I love that friendship is at the heart, isn’t that how the best romances start? It is also how the best romances endure.

Works Cited:

“Recognizing Satan’s Counterfeits,” Dennis C. Gaunt, https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2016/04/young-adults/recognizing-satans-counterfeits?lang=eng Gottman, John M. Ph.D,. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York. Harmony Books.

Check this out!

“The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science,” Kyle Benson, October 4, 2017, https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/