the art of inquiring (L02)

My thoughts this week come from Elder Dallin H. Oaks’ sermon that addresses and is titled “Divorce.” This powerful address not only talks about some of the things that lead and should not lead to divorce but also how to prevent it. He says, “If you wish to marry well, inquire well.” Nowadays we call this ‘dating,’ but I would like to challenge our idea of dating and encourage the transition to the older term: ‘courtship.’

let's use our handy dictionary!

I was shocked when I looked up the definition of the word ‘dating.’ Besides referring to your grandpa’s old car or a square box on a calendar, this is what the internet came up with for dating:

Date: "go out with (someone in whom one is romantically or sexually interested)."

…This definition didn’t seem right, or complete… so I looked up another word, that today we may feel is ‘dated.’

Courtship: "a period during which a couple develops a romantic relationship, especially with a view to marriage."

Yes! Courtship seemed to fill the emptiness that the term ‘dating’ implied in its definition.

It made me sad to look at our pale modern replacement for something so beautiful. What has happened in the progression (or is it a regression?) in history that we have shied away from something that leads to marriage and instead conformed to something passive and shies away from commitment?

my ‘dating’ days

The trees cast spotty shadows over my living room window as I think back to my ‘dating’ days. Now, whenever someone is complaining about boys or girls and trying to find love, I find my response is often, ‘yes, I’m glad my dating days are over.’ I think a folly lies in this response and I don’t think I’m the only married person who has ever said or had this thought.

The courtship must continue ever after choosing your husband or wife; the inquiring must continue! I don’t know how many times I change what my favorite ice cream is and if my husband didn’t continue to get to know me, he’d disastrously choose cookie dough when my cravings are clearly peanut butter and chocolate. While the flavor of ice cream may not impinge on our marriage, the fact of the matter is that we are continually growing and changing, so it is imperative that the inquiring or courtship continues after we say ‘I do.’

Therefore, these following courtship ideas apply to both the single and married (or any stage in between)!

Here are 5 of my favorite fun courtship dates:

1. Go to an outdoor movie theatre showing. We have a local one near us, but you have to get there early before they sell out! We arrive early and play games and eat a picnic, then watch two back-to-back movies.

2. Go on a walk or hike. Walk to a nearby park and swing on the swings together, or find a local hike that matches your enthusiasm for hiking!

3. Seasonal outing: berry picking, snowball fight or build a snowman, visit your local farmer’s market, pick a pumpkin at a pumpkin patch and then carve it, & so much more!

4. Write or create a world together. Since both my husband and I love to write, we created a world and characters for that world together. It could be of LEGOs or clay, choose a medium that one or both of you enjoy!

5. Do an activity that the other spouse loves to do. While dating, I took a racquetball class (I was horrible!), because my husband loved it. While I did not enjoy it at first, I could tell it meant a lot to him, and I ended up liking it later on.

These are just some of my favorite things to do; the key to YOUR success is to find things you like to do and create memories together! There is an art to inquiring well, but only you know what tools will work best in your situation. For those married: your masterpiece will be your relationship with your spouse for the rest of your life, made by small strokes with each act of courtship and memories that you make together.