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hey you! who me?
My 15-month-old has recently started to realize that if she points at something, she can communicate with us what she wants. Just today she made a gesture as if pointing to herself, or at least it looked like it briefly. Isn’t it interesting that when we acknowledge ourselves, we don’t point to our brain? We don’t say, “the brain is me,” but we touch our chest where our beating heart lays. “This is I, or even we.”
The heart has been a symbol of love and is used numerous times in love songs. From expressing undying love (like Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler) or protecting the heart (like Don’t Go Breaking My Heart, by John Elton), music portrays the heart in many ways. Unfortunately, I found many songs in my search on google more disheartening: Heart of Glass, Break Your Heart, Harden my Heart, Heartbreaker, Hungry Heart, Cold Hearted, and more.
offer up a broken heart
The Lord also symbolically talks about the heart, since he obviously he doesn’t want our actual hearts in this verse: “And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit” (3 Nephi 9:20) I think it’s easy to associate this with the saying, ‘oh that breaks my heart’. When the Lord says he asks for a broken heart, it means “to be humble, contrite, repentant, and meek—that is, receptive to the will of God.” (Guide to the Scriptures) In a way, God sings to us through hymns, but his song is about offering up our hearts and receiving a fullness of joy.
put it all on the alter
It seems like it should be easy, but there is nothing physical that we can give God. The question then becomes “how”? How and what is it that we offer God? We can come with our broken heart – full of humility and meekness, wanting what the Lord wants, but once we’re at the altar, what is it that we are sacrificing?
I'd like to talk about the sacrifice in the marriage union(that includes God). It’s easy to hope marriage will work, but God has required a broken heart for our marriages to work as well:
“Most of us want the prize without paying the price. We want to have a close, loving marriage, but we’re not willing to give up our pet affections. But God has required us to make sacrifices if we are to enjoy that which is most valuable.” (H. Wallace Goddard)
I love when my husband calls from his school/rotation during lunch, because I know he doesn’t always get a lunch, or it’s often hurried. Most of the time, the acts that will be difficult make the most difference.
“Selfishness is the absence of love.” (Henry B. Eyring)
put it all on the altar, together
While it would be lovely for good moments to last forever, they don’t. I think that’s one of the reasons why journals are so important to record the wonderful times for reserve for later. The work you put into marriage requires consistent practice, just as Goddard says:
“Character and companionship do not come without consistent investment.”
In this triangle, God is at the top, and as the married couple gets closer to God, they grow closer together. However, imagine if either the wife or husband grew closer to God faster, that connection between the couple goes skiwampus and gets longer, or further from each other. Now imagine (or look at the image below) that we tip the triangle over so that either the wife or husband is at top. I think so often we put Christ at the top of our triangle (or think of him distantly), that we forget that he came down to earth so that he could work with us.
God wants us to succeed in life and marriage, and he knows that it won’t be easy. He has provided a way to achieve this joy with Christ’s Atonement. Part of this process is remembering this: “If, therefore, God allows us to learn from experience without condemning us for it, how much more should we be willing to let our companions learn from their experience without condemning them for it.” (Bruce C. Hafen) Going forward in my relationships and marriage, I want to keep this in mind, especially if I’m tempted to be bothered by something. We will grow closer to our loved ones and spouses as we find out what we individually need to place on our altars.
Works Cited:
“Drawing Heaven into your Marriage” H. Wallace Goddard
Henry B. Eyring," Our perfect Example," Ensign, November 2009, pg. 70
Bruce C. Hafen, Covenant Hearts, pg. 66
Last week I explored the difference between contract and
covenant marriages. This week I want to start with my conclusion: of putting
the soul back into the covenant between man, woman, and God. It’s one thing to
say God is part of our marriage, but another to live it.
In my post last week, I shared that I believe that the soul
of a person is the body and spirit of said person. If marriage was to have a
soul, I think the spirit would be our thoughts, beliefs, and feelings about the
Godly union. The body of the marriage would then be the bodies of both the man
and woman and how they work with God. What do they do or say? How do they act?
who attacks the soul
When I was in middle school, someone gave my mother the
bright idea that every time we fought, we should write this scripture. The more
times we fought, the more times we had to write it. The first time we fought,
we only copied it down once, then the second time we would write it twice, and
so on until one of my brothers got to the 100s. I’m not proud to say that I had
it memorized at one point.
3 Nephi 11:29-30 For verily, verily I say unto you, he that
hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the
father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger,
one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men
with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things
should be done away.
I would say that the home is the temple of marriage, and I
think my parents were striving for a place where the Spirit of God could reside
(like in a temple). As the scripture says above, ‘contention’ is not of God –
and when we allow contention into our homes, we welcome the wrong party into
our marriage.
recognizing the enemy
In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John M.
Gottman says that just because couples fight, doesn’t mean they are headed for
divorce. He teaches the difference between couples who have a foundation of
friendship and ones that do not. Disagreements will happen. I believe that if
we know how the enemy, or Satan, tries to take apart marriage, and then it will
be easier to recognize and stop his efforts.
Gottman gives 6 signs so that we can recognize when
disagreements have gone too far. I think these 6 signs can also be used to see
which spirit we are letting into our home.
1. Harsh Start-Up [When a fight starts harshly and abruptly
with negativity]
2. The Four Horsemen [I imagine these
as headless horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
Each goads the other on, and Gottman says they run in a relay race, passing the
baton back and forth to each other.]
3. Flooding [When one side floods the other with negativity or talking that the other isn't prepared for.
4. Body language [What are you really saying?]
5. Failed Repair Attempts [Whether they be red roses or
trying to tease during a disagreement: without a basis of friendship and love
repair attempts end up fruitless.]
6. Bad Memories [This is when memories are twisted and
rewritten with a negative spin, forgetting the warm and happy parts of their
stories.]
I suggest reading the book if you want to understand these
signs. However, it can be discouraging if you stop learning at those signs because
the point is to recognize them and then to change. Putting the soul into
marriage is changing how we think and act about marriage, continually changing
for the better and simply being a friend.
heart of the soul
I’m excited to read the rest of the book, and I hope you’ll
join me! I love this simple truth: “At the heart of the Seven Principles
approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep
friendship.” My guess is that the seven principles will be aspects of the body
and spirit of marriage. I love that friendship is at the heart, isn’t that how
the best romances start? It is also how the best romances endure.
Works Cited:
“Recognizing Satan’s Counterfeits,” Dennis C. Gaunt,
https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2016/04/young-adults/recognizing-satans-counterfeits?lang=eng Gottman, John M. Ph.D,. (2015). The Seven Principles for
Making Marriage Work. New York. Harmony Books.
Check this out!
“The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science,” Kyle
Benson, October 4, 2017, https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
After talking about a more secular part of marriage in my
last post, I’d like to address the most important part of the definition of
marriage and why I choose to defend it as a union between a man, a woman and
God.
the soul of the man and woman
I wish to premise this post with just because I believe a
certain way, does not mean that I wish to force my beliefs on the reader. I do
not write about truths because I want to enforce them, but because I want to
educate and open minds.
That said, this is a spiritual truth that I believe to be
true: I believe that the soul is made up a body and a spirit that resides inside
our body. One must understand this belief and also that death is not the end to
existence to understand this:
“Gender is an essential characteristic of
individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” (The Family: A
Proclamation to the World)
our soul in marriage
While I believe that society has put certain characteristics
on gender that I do not agree with, there are characteristics for both male and
female that make them both essential to marriage. God intended the mother to
give birth to children (a man can not do that) and to nurture the children both
physically and spiritually. There is an instinctual part of the man that wants
to provide and protect his family, and I believe God meant for the man to do so
both physically and spiritually. While perhaps the roles do not have concrete
lines where one begins and ends, the man and woman compliment each other and
support each other through the difficult and rewarding feat of marriage.
the garden of eden
Marriage is not easy and while there are some exceptions, I
believe the majority of divorces nowadays are people who are trying to escape
strife or consequences of their actions. Bruce C. Hafen in a discourse says,
“When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by
walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re
receiving what they bargained for.”
These sorts of people are trying to live
like Adam and Eve if they had never left the Garden of Eden. Everyone has the
gift of agency to choose, even Adam and Eve had it. They could have chosen to
not eat the forbidden fruit and stayed in blissful ignorance in the Garden of
Eden, happy, no troubles, no pain… It sounds nice, right?
we don’t live in that kind of world.
Just like Adam ended up leaving the garden and faced the
consequences thereof, so there are consequences of being human. There are hard
things that happen: deaths, natural disasters, and so many other things we
can’t control. Then there are the things we can control and the natural
consequences that come thereof. I like how Bruce C. Hafen describes those who live
a covenant marriage:
“But when troubles come to a
covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give
and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God.
Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100
percent.”
God meant for us to put our whole heart into marriage, and in doing
so we risk everything – but we gain joy and growth.
putting soul into marriage
Historically marriage used to be more like a covenant
marriage that was between man, woman, and the state. This was because the
government was interested in the success of a marriage and what happened to the
children. Nowadays the idea of marriage has strayed from this to a private
contract between two people – so it makes sense that people think it should be
fine to redefine marriage or want an easier way out if they deem divorce
necessary.
My solution? Let’s put the soul back into marriage. The
society needs more covenant marriages, but with God at it’s head. Marriage
needs commitment that no matter what, two people will work together to better
each other and support each other through the hardest times. God doesn’t expect
us to do it alone. The soul of marriage is a man, a woman, and God. God meant for us to have joy in the journey, and I can
attest to this truth as I’ve had my daughter and raised her with my husband and
guidance from God.
Works Cited & Further Notes:
“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” https://www.lds.org/study/manual/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world/the-family-a-proclamation-to-the-world?lang=eng
Bruce C. Hafen, “Covenant Marriage,” Ensign, Nov 1996, 26
“Of course, some have no opportunity to marry. And some
divorces are unavoidable. But the Lord will ultimately compensate those
faithful ones who are denied mortal fulfillment.” Bruce Hafen
2 Nephi 2:23, “And they would have had no children;
wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no JOY, for
they knew no misery; doing no GOOD, for they knew no sin.”
i am christian.
As an active Christian in today’s society, I feel pressure
to keep my mouth shut when it comes to my beliefs in marriage. If I say that I
believe marriage should only be between a man and a woman, then somehow this
means I am a bigot, and I hate homosexuals? I know that not everyone thinks
this way, but I’ve seen the reaction and felt the pressure in conversations. I
want to start out by saying that I love all people, no matter what they believe
or how they choose to live their lives. I have friends of all sorts of sexual
orientation and ways of living, and I do not judge them – I love them. My values
and beliefs are personal, as well how I choose to live my life, I do not wish
to be told how to live my life, as much as homosexuals don’t like to be told
that they shouldn’t be together.
I say ‘personal,’ except now the government has taken a
stance in my beliefs… and now my personal views have become something of public
opinion. This is why I write this post and stand up for marriage. I started out
by researching heterosexual pride flags as I started out finding out how to
make my stance, but realized that I wasn’t trying to support heterosexual
relationships, but instead the union of marriage.
Also, while researching, I came across an inquiry and
fallacy that were posed when it comes to heterosexual pride. Before I address
them, I’d like to clarify a misnomer that tends to be one root of some
arguments made.
*Defending marriage is not the same as defending racial
freedoms.
While
marriage is a deeply religious union for me, in today’s society marriage is
like a license, much like a driver’s license. Everyone can have one, but in order to own one there are requirements that
have to be met and there are reasons for those rules to protect everyone on the
road. Marriage is the same way, except its ‘rules’ or definition has survived
thousands of years.
I have a brother who is legally
blind and can’t own a driver’s license and if he decided he wanted one to fit
into society, he still can’t. It’s really hard for him. I can hear your brains
reeling at the idea of comparing a choice to be gay to being physically
impaired. The thing is, just like my brother is blind, two gays are still two
males – you can’t change it by saying otherwise.
On another hand the 14th
Amendment was created for racial rights, a law that said the pigment of
someone’s skin shouldn’t make them different. (Comparing the pigment of skin to
sexual organs is like comparing the flavor of fruits to the seeds of fruits.
The fruit all taste delicious, but no matter what – if you plant an apple seed,
you’re going to get an apple tree.) I’ll be talking more about this in my next
post!
here is the inquiry and fallacy i found.
“May I ask what
struggles straight people have overcome that they are proud of?”
“Gay Pride was not
born of a need to celebrate being gay, but our right to exist without
persecution. So instead of wondering why there isn’t a Straight Pride movement,
be thankful you don’t need one.”
Perhaps both of these questions may have been valid years
ago, but today in our society heterosexuals who stand up for marriage against
homosexuals are being bullied for their beliefs. Perhaps we don’t need a
heterosexual movement since men and women will continue to have sex and will
continue to have relations with each other – and that is normal. What has been
under attack (or that thing we have been or need to overcome) is the idea of
what marriage should be. We don’t need a heterosexual pride flag, what we need
is a marriage banner.
But I couldn’t find one. There were heterosexual flags, but
none seemed to stand for what I wanted to say.
what’s wrong with the heterosexual flags?
I looked around to see what the heterosexual flags were, but
I didn’t like any of them. Homosexuals have the rainbow and what - we get black
and white? There were a couple of flags that included the pink and blue, the
stereotypical colors that society places on boys and girls, but I also didn’t
like this (me being a woman with a life long disdain of the color pink). I can
like blue and still retain my womanhood.
*drumroll please*
Introducing the Marriage Pride flag!
It seems pretty basic, right? I know, I know – I was
complaining about no color, but read on to see why I chose black and white!
coloring in your flag:
Doesn’t the white space make you want
to color it in? That’s the point! I left it for YOU to fill in. Are you a pink
man? Does the mom go out to bring home the bacon and prefer watching sports on
TV? It’s made blank so that each person can decide for himself or herself what
it means to be a man or a woman. Society shouldn’t decide what color we are.
what does black represent?
Truth. The black border is marriage and within those
confines should only be a man and a woman.
In August Russell M. Nelson (now President and Prophet of
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) in his commencement address to
students at BYU, testifies that marriage was ordained and created by God, “Marriage
was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks
or by popular vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created
by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!” He quotes 2 Timothy 3:12, “Yea, and
all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.” We live in
a time where it will not be easy to be a true disciple of Jesus Christ. We must
stand up for the truth regarding the sacred nature of marriage between a man
and a woman. He continues: “The day is gone when you can be a quiet and
comfortable Christian.”
So I raise my marriage flag. The man and woman are necessary
& essential.
works cited:
Where I got my inspiration to write this post:
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